We all know that the times, they are a’changing. With former Soviet states selling off all of their old arsenals just to build some roads and bridges, you might find that there are some really amazing opportunities out there. It wouldn’t surprise me if, before too long, you were able to buy a stealth submarine.

Heck, even NASA is selling off old Space Shuttles, surely a stealth submarine can’t be too far behind. Sharper Image is selling a regular submarine, so why not a stealth sub?

After you pay your $60 million or whatever it’s going to cost, here are some cool things you can do with your stealth submarine:

• Freak out Mississippi River Boat captains. Take that beast up the Mississippi and mess with those steam paddleboat jockeys. They’ll absolutely wig when they see a periscope coming up out of the water.
• Mess with deep sea fisherman. Just imagine those guys up there with their fish finders when they see you blip on and off their screens.
• Create an international incident. Drive your stealth submarine up onto the shores of Long Island. Pack plenty of extra food, and see how long it will take before Navy SEALs are cutting into your sub with blowtorches. Just so you’re aware, however, your boat insurance isn’t likely to cover the damage.
• Learn to speak Russian with a Scottish accent and call up Alec Baldwin. Tell him you’re on the Red October and that you’re looking for Jack Ryan. Ask Baldwin if you can speak to Harrison Ford.
• Make a movie. After all, some of the coolest movies ever to grace the big screen have been about submarines. Up Periscope and Under Siege come to mind.
• Play hide and seek. Let’s face it, you’ve got one of the best hiding places in the world. No one is gonna find you there.

Photo via DVIDSHUB