What is a boat without its Captain?  I could insert a witty analogy here, but why?  You know that being called Capt. is part of the reason that you got into boats in the first place.  So let’s go ahead and review a list of some of the coolest captains ever!

1. CAP’N CRUNCH

Ok, so technically speaking he’s a Commander.  But if he is the acting CO of this ship we call ‘Tasty Breakfast’ in the war against the wretched ‘Soggies”, well then I’m ok with that.

2. CAPTAIN STUBING

“Love… exciting and new…. come aboard… we’re expecting you!”  Who hears that song and doesn’t get a nice bit of nostalgia running through their veins.  There was something so very likable and approachable about Gavin MacLeod’s Captain Stubing.  You have to admire someone who is far more concerned about the love affairs of his passengers than say, oh I don’t know, steering the f’ing ship!!!

3. THE CAPTAIN AND TANNILLE

From “Muskrat Love” to “Love Will Keep Us Together” this Captain and his lifetime first-mate helped steer our heart-ships to Love-Town all through the 70’s.  True story, in 1995 my brother was on a cruise with these two and the poor Captain had a heart attack while playing volleyball on port.  I don’t know that that has to do with him being cool, but it puts him in my 2^nd degree of separation.

4. CAPTAIN SIG HANSEN

If you’ve ever watched a single episode of Discovery Channel’s “Deadliest Catch” you know Captain Sig well.  He’s the face you see in the dark against Bon Jovi’s “Dead or Alive,” and he’s the guy catching all the crab.  It’s amazing to see a master at work.  Among all the amazing captains on this show, its Sig that stands out the most.   The man has a nose for crab.

5. CAPTAIN KIRK

Ok, so technically speaking, Captain Kirk isn’t a ship captain… but he IS a Starship Captain, and isn’t that cooler.  And honestly, what kind of list of Coolest Captains would it be without the obligitary Capt. Kirk reference?  The man is the personification of cool, no?

6. CAPTAIN PLANET

Did you know that Ted Turner was a co-creator of Captain Planet?  Introduced in 1990 to raise awareness in children of Environmental Issues.  How awesome is that?  With skin the color of sky and a mullet the color of forests, this Captain gets a spot on the list because he’s personally responsible for hundreds of thousands of 30 something hipsters driving hybrids today.  Way to go dude!

7. CAPTAIN MORGAN

Do you “have a little Captain you” asks the commercial.  Captain Morgan is personally responsible for many a great night for me, and also many an awful morning.  Though he has caused me irrepreable harm, any rum-loving pirate Captain deserves a spot on this list.  Speaking of…

8. CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW

So here’s what Johnny Depp did.  He took a movie which was based off a Disney Park boat ride, and turned it into one of the biggest blockbusters of all time and got himself his first Oscar nomination right along with it.  How did he do it?  By creating one of the most instantaneously classic Pirate portrayals in film history, that’s how!

9. CAPTAIN CAVEMAN

What do you get when you cross “IT” from The Addams Family with “Animal” from the Muppets?  You get Captain Caveman, that’s what you get.  The beauty of writing and creating for children is that there are some artistic licenses that you can get away with there and nowhere else.  That’s because your core demo won’t realize how absurd the concept is until they are much too old to care.

10. DISHONORABLE MENTION – CAPTAIN JOSPEH HAZLEWOOD

The man, who drunkenly left his post and was responsible for one of the worst environmental disasters in history (at a total cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $7 Billion).  In addition to the death of countless wildlife creatures and the epic devastation of a pristine ecosystem, this man nearly singularly besmirched the term “Captain” for many years!  Way to go douche!