• Viking longboat. Designed for over sea travel long before it became fashionable, the Viking longboat was designed for one thing: carrying bloodthirsty Swedes and Danes to wreak havoc wherever they happened to land. The longboats managed to explore the new world long before that Italian guy who gets all the credit for it, but that’s OK. They weren’t after credit, they were after plunder. And that, they got plenty of.

• Athenian trireme. With 75 oars to a side, each manned by slave power, the trireme was the baddest-assed thing on the Mediterranean for three whole centuries, and the Athenians were the best when it came to knowing how to use them. Don’t believe me? Just ask any of the Persians who survived the Battle of Salamis. Over 200 Persian ships were sunk by the badly outnumbered Greek naval forces, and the rest of them went rowing back to Persia as fast as their oars could carry them.

• Barbary Corsairs. What do you get when a pirate converts to Islam? For anybody who got in their paths, it wasn’t pretty. 1,600 or so Barbary pirates caused entire villages along the Mediterranean Coast of Europe to close up shop, board up the windows, and get out of Dodge. Striking as far north as Iceland, they captured over a million Europeans and sold them into slavery in Africa.

• Queen Anne’s Revenge. OK, it isn’t the ship so much as the captain on this one. Anyone who is badass enough to put lit fuses in his beard to scare his prey into submission is no one to mess with. Actual historical accounts don’t really give any evidence of Blackbeard killing captives, making anybody walk the plank, or any atrocities beyond piracy itself, but we suspect maybe that’s because dead men tell no tales. I wonder if any of the victims had boat insurance.

• C.S.S. Hunley . One of the first functional submarines and the first to score a kill in naval combat, the C.C.S. Hunley may have only made one kill, but can you imagine the reaction from the crew aboard its victim, the U.S.S. Housatonic? The union blockade ship’s crew probably had no idea that a functioning submarine even existed. At the time, submarines were the domain of fanciful novelists like Jules Verne. The Hunley rammed an explosive charge on the tip of a 20’ pole right into the bottom of the Housatonic’s hull. Unfortunately, the Hunley’s crew never got the opportunity to savor the victory, as she sank on the way back to Charleston Harbor.

Photo via Smudge 9000

While I suspect all boat lovers have their own favorites, here are our top 7 boats that never were:

1. The Love Boat. OK, it’s cheesy, but it was the ‘70s, and everything was cheesy. And, let’s face it, who wouldn’t want to spend some time on a boat where all of your romance problems could be solved in an hour?

1. The Red October. I don’t care who you are, if you love boating, you’ve dreamt about being aboard a submarine. And being aboard a defecting Russian submarine during the height of the Cold War is just plain bad ass.

1. St. Vitus’ Dance. Sonny Crockett’s sailboat home for the duration of the Miami Vice series. Of course, if you prefer to go a little faster, the Chris Craft Stinger-390 or the Scarab 38 KV that the Miami Vice used over the course of the series are pretty cool, too. And if you’re in the market for a special Don Johnson Signature Series Scarab Excel, it’ll only set you back $300,000. Not bad for a boat powered by twin Lamborghini V-12 engines.

1. Orca. In all reality, it was just a modified commercial fishing boat, and there wasn’t much of it left by the time the credits rolled, but in the end, the crew of the Orca killed the 40’ great white shark.

1. H.M.S. Bounty. This admittedly was a real ship, but the accounts of the mutiny aboard have certainly been fictionalized, or at the very least, exaggerated. C’mon, though, admit it. Everyone who has ever had a boss has had that moment where you would have liked to lead a mutiny and set him adrift.

1. The Hispaniola. If you’ve never dreamed of sailing to distant uncharted islands to recover buried treasure, then get the hell of the boat and leave the water to us dreamers. Do remember, though, that loose lips sink ships. And never, ever hire a cook with one leg. We don’t care what the Disability Act says. Wonder what the boat insurance looks like on a treasure expedition?

1. Tom Sawyer’s raft. What could be better than spending day after lazy day drifting down the river helping a runaway slave escape? Tom Sawyer couldn’t think of anything, which is why he didn’t bother to tell Old Tom that he had been set free until after the journey was over.

Photo via Global Jet

A Navy SEAL had rented a boat during his shore leave to do some fishing in the Southern United States. We could tell you where exactly, but then we’d have to kill you. Or he would kill us, which wouldn’t be pretty either, so we’ll leave the precise location classified.

Now this US Navy SEAL was a highly trained professional, afraid of nothing. Well, almost nothing. Turns out our tough sailor had a strong aversion to snakes. And since the area he was fishing in was known to be home to some pretty good sized water moccasins, he brought along a .357 revolver, just in case.

Any of us who have ever done any fishing in the South know that water moccasins hang out in the trees, so if you want to avoid them, your best bet is to stay away from the cypress trees. Unfortunately, bass, perch, crappie and assorted other game fish also like to hang out under the cypress trees.

To make a short story long, our fisherman SEAL got so immersed in his fishing that he forgot to keep an eye on the trees. After a short run of killing the bass under the cypress trees, a five foot water moccasin decided to join the party, just to make things interesting.

The snake landed in the boat just as our brave sailor was reeling in what he was sure was the biggest catch of the day. Thankfully, our fearless naval hero was not caught unarmed.

The marksmanship training provided him by the fine folks at US Naval Basic Training certainly paid off. He had six shots in his trusty .357, and all six of them hit the snake. Unfortunately, even big snakes are not very formidable when it comes to stopping bullets. As it turns out, their long muscular bodies really don’t even slow bullets down much.

Incidentally, small fishing boat hulls aren’t a whole lot better at stopping bullets than water moccasins are. Our hero lived to tell the story. The fishing boat, not so much. The funny thing is he’ll still tell you that a bad day on the water is better than a good day on land. We’re not positive, but we’re guessing if he’s still saying that, he probably had his boat insurance premiums paid up.

Photo via Hunter-Desportes

There’s something about being together in the relatively confined space that a boat offers, with the water surrounding you, which really brings a family together. Not only are there a lot of exciting and fun things you can do on the water, but you get a chance to really spend some time getting to know each other.

These days, families tend to fragment and go their separate ways, even when the children are young. There’s nothing wrong with everyone having their own interests and hobbies, but boating affords an opportunity to do something together, and that’s something you just can’t replace.

So, what kind of water fun is right for your family? Every family is different, and ultimately, that’s a question you’re going to have to answer for yourself. Here are some of the more popular family activities on a boat:

• Fishing. You don’t need a big boat, or a powerful one to have a blast reeling in whichever kind of fish inhabit your local waterways. Grab your tackle box and your kids and head out early to the marina to grab some bait and fisherman’s gossip. Make sure you find out where they’re biting and what they’re biting on. Then go out and have a great time.

• Water skiing. You need a little more boat for this, with a reasonably powerful engine and boat insurance. You also need some skis, of course. You should always have at least three people when you go water skiing: one to drive the boat, one to ski, and one to serve as a spotter, watching the skier and alerting the driver when he falls or has other issues. Teenagers in particular tend to love water skiing, though kids can be started much younger.

• Sailing. If you buy a sailboat, make sure you take some time to learn how to sail it before you get out on the water. It’s not as easy as it looks. That’s not to discourage you, it isn’t rocket science either, and it doesn’t take long to learn the basics, but you will want to make sure you have a basic understanding of how to handle the craft before you hoist the sail.

• Cruising. That’s right. Some families just like being on the water together. No activities, per se, no agenda. Just the boat, each other, and the water.

Photo via donjd2

Recently, our teenager was singing a little ditty about being on a boat. I didn’t catch all of the lyrics, but it said something about relaxing in swimming trunks and flip flops while some other poor sap (the one the song was addressed to) was back on shore making copies at Kinkos. The song was cute, until I looked up the lyrics to reference them in an article, at least. Fortunately, our boy had the good sense not to sing all of the actual lyrics in front of his parents. To make a long story short, “boat” wasn’t exactly the only four letter word in the song.

Now, knowing teenagers, I’m sure he’ll tell us that the foul language isn’t what he listens to the song for. And since we want to believe him, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to get a hold of his iPod. The idea is that we could replace “I’m On a Boat” with some other boat-themed songs more in keeping with the kind of language we’d like him listening to. So, when he wakes up and turns on his iPod, here’s what he’ll find:

• The Love Boat Theme Song. Sorry, as children of the ‘70s, we simply couldn’t resist.

• The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. We hope Gordon Lightfoot’s melancholy tune doesn’t turn him off or scare him away from boating, but you have to admit, this is one of the best songs ever written about a ship.

• Sailing. What a beautiful song! It really does take you away to where you’ve always dreamed you could be.

• The Downeaster Alexa. He actually claimed he likes Billy Joel once. Of course, that statement was when the CD was on in the car and was immediately followed for a request for money, so who knows.

• Sloop John B. Ok, so it’s not Snoop Dog, but who doesn’t like the Beach Boys?

• Rock the Boat. Hues Corporation. Word is that Aaliyah has a song out by the same name, but no sense confusing the boy. Don’t rock the boat, baby, it is.

• The Boat Insurance Song. No, we didn’t actually include this one. We haven’t written it yet. But if you’ve got a catchy hook, we’ve got the lyrics started…

We can’t wait to see his face in the morning. The only thing that could be better than waking up to all those great boating tunes would be waking up on a boat. We’re sure he’ll agree, don’t you think?

Photo via flashbacks.com

Of course, the most important thing, for her parents and boating enthusiasts in general, is that she is safe and sound back on terra firma. Circumnavigating the globe is no small feat, especially for a young person. Had she completed the journey, Abby would have been the youngest person in history (at age 16) to circumnavigate the globe by herself.

Sailing around the world isn’t exactly a new thing. It has represented a kind of Holy Grail of sailing since the time that sailors figured out that the world was round. Of course, back then, having boat insurance was likely the least of your worries. With no satellite radio to call for help, you were pretty much on your own once you were out of port. While Abby didn’t quite make it this time around, here are a few notable sailors who did:

1. Juan Sebastián Elcano. Most people aren’t familiar with this name, but he was actually the man in charge of the first expedition to successfully sail around the world, finishing in 1522. What? You thought it was Ferdinand Magellan? Well, that’s partly true. It was Magellan’s voyage, and his idea, but the good Captain died enroute, during a battle with natives in the Phillipines. Elcano led the 18 survivors back to port.

1. Jessica Watson. While there has been much hype about young Abby Sunderland’s attempt to break the record, it has almost been forgotten that another 16 year old, Jessica, recently set the world record for solo circumnavigating the globe.

1. Francis Joyon, a Frenchman, who holds the record for the fastest solo circumnavigation, completing the voyage in 57 days.

1. Joshua Slocum of Nova Scotia, who was the first person to sail around the world by himself, finishing the journey in 1898. He didn’t fare so well in later voyages, and was lost at sea in the Caribbean in 1908.

1. Bernard Moitessier, who took things up a notch in 1968-69 when he sailed around the world without stopping.

1. Harry Heckel, who became the oldest circumnavigator. He did take a few stops, but at 89 years old, who can blame him?

Photo via Norman B. Leventhal Map Center at the BPL

Of course, sometimes naming your boat takes a turn for the worse, and goes down something of a blue road. Here are some of the more dirty-sounding boat names we’ve come across over the years:

1. The Filthy Whore. This one, of course, reflects the “salty” nature of the sea. One particular variation we’ve come across includes the “Filthy Oar.” By far, this seems to be the most common dirty boat name out there.
2. Reel Hooker. No, this isn’t the name of a new reality show on Fox. This was a boat belonging to a fishing hobbyist.
3. Tits Up. We can only assume that the owner of this boat has had issues keeping the boat from capsizing.
4. Spreader Boots. We’re not really sure what this one has to do with boating at all, but we like it.
5. Hot Ruddered Bum. This one is only dirty if you assume that the owner of the boat is gainfully employed.
6. Four Play. We’re still not sure what the significance of “Four” is in this boat. Perhaps the owner has a “One Play,” “Two Play” and “Three Play” at home.
7. Slightly Crewed. This one is only a little bit dirty.
8. The Wet Dream. Some folks would go with “Dreamboat.” This particular boat owner decided to go a different direction with it.
9. Nauti-lust. As opposed to “nice lust.”
10. Ho-Ma-Way. Now stop that. Just because the word “ho” is in the title doesn’t mean this one is dirty. Read it out loud, you’ll see what we mean.

Photo via gerriet

The following names represent the names most commonly purchased via that company’s vinyl boat lettering products. Obviously, these change from one year to the next, so this list is the top from 2009:

1. Second Wind. This is a perennial favorite boat name. Obviously, this name is most popular on boats that have sails, and not nearly as popular for motorboats.
2. Seas the Day. This play on words has been popular for a while. It peaked back in the late 1980s with the release of the Robin Williams classic movie, Dead Poets Society.
3. Lazy Daze. Boating is all about relaxation, and this name just about sums it up for many boat owners.
4. Jolly Roger. Obviously more pirates tend to own boats than ninjas, otherwise #4 would probably be “Instant Death.” Of course, “death” isn’t generally one of boaters’ favorite words in general.
5. Bail Out. Sometimes, politics even makes it to the boating world.
6. On the Rocks. Forget messages about not drinking or boating and driving, this boat name is a little scary. Either it’s talking about boating while drinking or about crashing the boat. Perhaps it’s both.
7. Pegasus. This one is a bit surprising. If it had come out after this year’s Clash of the Titans, it might make more sense. For some reason, a large number of boaters compare their boats to the mythological winged horse.
8. Serenity Now. Whether this refers to the Seinfeld episode or whether people just like the sound of it isn’t certain.
9. Namaste. That’s a little surprising. Apparently, a large number of people feel the need to label their boat parts. I’m assuming these people walk around with a labeler putting stickers on things all day long.
10. Comfortably Numb. Pink Floyd lives!

Photo via VeryBadLady

If you’re new to water skiing, there are some specific things you need to keep in mind as you get going:

• It isn’t quite as hard as it looks. Once you know the procedure and have a feel for when to hold on or when to let go, the rest is easy-peasy.
• You need properly fitted skis. Your water skis shouldn’t be loose on your feet at all. You need to undo your skis to get them off. You don’t want them to slip off while you’re skiing. But you also don’t want them so tight that they cause you pain.
• Assume the position. Once you have your skis on and adjusted, you need to grab the tow rope and get into position. You’ll lean back a little bit. You want to keep your head forward and you want to keep your knees bent. You will keep your legs under your body. The very tops of your skis should stick out from the water.
• Get ready. When the boat starts to move, you’re going to wait for the slack from the two rope to disappear. You want to then start working your way up into a standing position. You are going to keep your arms rigid and straight. You’ll use your legs to resist the pull of the boat. This will let you press up into the water, and use the resistance to stand up.
• Everyone has trouble standing at first. Standing up on your skis is the hardest thing about learning to water ski. It takes practice. You’re going to fall a bunch at first, too. Even when you’ve done it many times, you’ll still take an occasional tumble.
• Learn to fall correctly. When you feel like you’re losing your balance, you need to let go of the tow rope. You’re better off taking a fall into the water than being dragged behind a boat. When you fall, tuck in your head and bring your knees forward, curling yourself up into the fetal position. If at all possible, fall backwards.

Photo via flyfshrmn98

Yes, we know that this sounds like the plot to a really bad sitcom. (Or maybe even a good sitcom that’s having a bad week because it’s regular writer is home sick, and the “b team” isn’t nearly as talented.) At any rate, we really couldn’t make this stuff up. It actually happened.

A Texas fisherman by the name of Robby Jones was recently given a sentence of 15 days in jail plus an additional five years probation for trying to cheat in a fishing tournament.

What did Jones do to try to rig the tournament? Did he go out days before and catch the largest fish he could, and then plant it somewhere in the lake, with a friend wearing SCUBA gear at the bottom ready to attach it to his hook?

No, Jones’ plan was much more basic. He made his catch in the tournament, and then proceeded to stuff a lead weight inside the fish.

That’s right. He stuffed a lead weight. Inside of a fish. To win a tournament.

Now, to be sure, the Bud Light Trail Boss Big Bass Tournament that took place on Lake Ray Hubbard near Dallas last October wasn’t just any old tournament. The grand prize in this tournament was a brand new boat with a retail price tag of $55,000. (It isn’t known how exactly Jones was planning on paying for his boat insurance after winning the prize.)

Unfortunately for Jones, this means that his cunning ruse was more than just a silly little prank or a misdemeanor. No, stuffing lead weights inside of a fish is actually a felony, at least when there’s a prize of such a high value on the line.

The Texas Parks and Wildlife Department investigated the situation, and when they confronted Jones about the situation, he came clean.

In addition to the time served in jail and time on probation, Jones will also lose his fishing license during the time that he’s on probation.

Photo via Yellow.Cat