We’ve all seen boats in movies and been inspired, awestruck, or terrified.

Movies can offer us a great escape from reality, and the boats we’ve seen in some movies are far from realistic! That’s the great thing about fiction, although some of these boats were all too real.

1. The Titanic – Obviously, everyone has heard of this one – both the movie and the ocean liner, which sank in near freezing waters in the Atlantic Ocean on April 14, 1912. This tragedy is proof that while boat insurance is a must-have, it can’t fix everything in the case of disaster. For the filming, a full-size model of the ship was constructed in a 17 million gallon tank on 40 acres of waterfront near Playas de Rosarito in Mexico. Only the starboard side of the constructed set was completed, which required some scenes to be reversed to allow for the appearance of the port side of the ship.
2. Orca – You may not remember the name, but you surely will remember this boat, which appeared in the original Jaws movie in 1975. Much of the film takes place on board the Orca, and in the end, it’s tragically destroyed by the great white in one of the scariest movie scenes of all time. “Well, this is not a boat accident! And it wasn’t any propeller; and it wasn’t any coral reef; and it wasn’t Jack the Ripper! It was a shark.” – Matt Hooper, played by Richard Dreyfuss.
3. The Black Pearl – This is the fantastical ship from the famous movie trilogy, Pirates of the Caribbean. As legend has it, Captain Sparrow was commissioned to sail the ship (then named the Wicked Wench) and its cargo from the West Indies to the Caribbean. After learning, however, that the “cargo” was West African slaves, Sparrow released them and in his rage the ship’s owner, Lord Cutler Beckett had the ship sunk. After serving out his prison term, Sparrow returned to raise the Wench, but his early attempts failed. It was only after receiving assistance from Davy Jones that the ship could be resurrected. The two agreed that Sparrow would owe Jones his soul after 13 years of captaining the ship, which he christened, The Black Pearl.
4. The Red October – The starring role in the 1990 film, The Hunt For Red October was played by this massive (although wholly fictitious) Soviet submarine. Who can forget Sean Connery as Captain Marko Ramius or Alec Baldwin as Jack Ryan in this blockbuster hit? “The hard part about playing chicken is knowin’ when to flinch.” – Capt. Bart Mancuso, played by Scott Glenn.
5. Das Boot – This film was one of the most expensive German films of all time, and the bulk of the film’s $15 million budget was spent constructing U-boats. Three different scale models were built for different shots and special effects, the largest of which was 35 feet. On that model, modified Ken dolls acted as stand-ins for human actors.

We would have hated to have been a crew member on any of the toy boats we ever owned as a kid. Worse still, we’d have hated to have been the boat insurance company foolish enough to do business with my plastic fleet.

We owned a considerable fleet of toy boats as a kid. My brothers and I started with little yellow plastic canoes which came in those little cowboy and Indian sets which all boys seemed to play with in the 1970s. Despite buying literally hundreds of bags of red, yellow and green Indians over the years, we only bought a package with a canoe in it once. We never found another set like it.

The canoe even came with a special Indian figure with a paddle. The little yellow man balanced the canoe perfectly when you set him inside, largely due to the fact that he was kneeling. Unfortunately, that canoe became the casualty of an overly ambitious cowboy’s BB gun. Forever after, the canoe would need to be bailed out constantly while playing with it in the tub due to the small hole near the middle of its hull. When we finally lost the kneeling Indian, we gave up on the damaged canoe. It was time to move on to bigger toy boats anyway.

We had one of those great country homes with ditches so deep you could stand up in them and never reach the top. One year for Christmas, my two brothers and I each found toy boats under the tree. Our parents really should have known better.

When the snow finally melted, we took every opportunity we could to float those boats in the ditch, which flowed full of melted snow every spring. In and of itself, that probably wouldn’t scare any would be toy boat insurance agents away, though it did scare my mother half to death every time she caught us near the water, which was easily over our heads.

Not content to simply float the boats, we would stage contests among the three of us to see who could knock the boats over by throwing rocks at it. Part of the rules was that at least one action figure had to be aboard. At last known count, we were directly responsible for the drowning deaths of at least 20 action figures. We were also responsible for the actual sinking of at least 7 plastic boats (it turns out the hollow ones didn’t do as well as those made out of solid plastic). Fortunately, summer came and dried up the ditches, leaving ample opportunity to recover the shipwrecks.

Image by Dano

There’s a reason why those kinds of stories keep recurring in popular media. They resonate with something deep within in, that desire to get away. But the fact that no one is ever truly stranded alone speaks to our desire to have at least some companionship (unless you’re Tom Hanks in Cast Away, in which case you spend half the movie talking to a dolled up basketball). So, if you had to be stranded with someone, who would you want it to be? Here’s our top 3 list of people we definitely would NOT want it to be:

1. Roseanne Barr. Can you imagine anything worse than the constant barrage of smart assed comments by someone who won’t get off her own ass and contribute to whatever attempts at survival you’re managing? Let’s just hope she doesn’t start singing the National Anthem. We might have to drown her ass.

1. Fran Drescher. Honestly, can you imagine living with that voice? We nearly disowned our kid when he started watching reruns of The Nanny. On top of that, we have the feeling she’d be completely useless in a survival situation. Let’s face it, the only reason she’s not number one is that, despite all of her annoying qualities, she does have nice coconuts.

Jim Parsons. OK, we’re sure he’s not as bad in real life as his character Sheldon is on The Big Bang Theory. Or maybe he is. We don’t want to find out. Let’s face it, there are only so many spots you can sit in on a desert island, and we don’t want him claiming one of them. On the other hand, if he’s anywhere near as smart as his character, he may be able to explain the best ways to manipulate the boat insurance actuarial table to receive the best possible rates.

Photo via therainstopped

• Viking longboat. Designed for over sea travel long before it became fashionable, the Viking longboat was designed for one thing: carrying bloodthirsty Swedes and Danes to wreak havoc wherever they happened to land. The longboats managed to explore the new world long before that Italian guy who gets all the credit for it, but that’s OK. They weren’t after credit, they were after plunder. And that, they got plenty of.

• Athenian trireme. With 75 oars to a side, each manned by slave power, the trireme was the baddest-assed thing on the Mediterranean for three whole centuries, and the Athenians were the best when it came to knowing how to use them. Don’t believe me? Just ask any of the Persians who survived the Battle of Salamis. Over 200 Persian ships were sunk by the badly outnumbered Greek naval forces, and the rest of them went rowing back to Persia as fast as their oars could carry them.

• Barbary Corsairs. What do you get when a pirate converts to Islam? For anybody who got in their paths, it wasn’t pretty. 1,600 or so Barbary pirates caused entire villages along the Mediterranean Coast of Europe to close up shop, board up the windows, and get out of Dodge. Striking as far north as Iceland, they captured over a million Europeans and sold them into slavery in Africa.

• Queen Anne’s Revenge. OK, it isn’t the ship so much as the captain on this one. Anyone who is badass enough to put lit fuses in his beard to scare his prey into submission is no one to mess with. Actual historical accounts don’t really give any evidence of Blackbeard killing captives, making anybody walk the plank, or any atrocities beyond piracy itself, but we suspect maybe that’s because dead men tell no tales. I wonder if any of the victims had boat insurance.

• C.S.S. Hunley . One of the first functional submarines and the first to score a kill in naval combat, the C.C.S. Hunley may have only made one kill, but can you imagine the reaction from the crew aboard its victim, the U.S.S. Housatonic? The union blockade ship’s crew probably had no idea that a functioning submarine even existed. At the time, submarines were the domain of fanciful novelists like Jules Verne. The Hunley rammed an explosive charge on the tip of a 20’ pole right into the bottom of the Housatonic’s hull. Unfortunately, the Hunley’s crew never got the opportunity to savor the victory, as she sank on the way back to Charleston Harbor.

Photo via Smudge 9000

While I suspect all boat lovers have their own favorites, here are our top 7 boats that never were:

1. The Love Boat. OK, it’s cheesy, but it was the ‘70s, and everything was cheesy. And, let’s face it, who wouldn’t want to spend some time on a boat where all of your romance problems could be solved in an hour?

1. The Red October. I don’t care who you are, if you love boating, you’ve dreamt about being aboard a submarine. And being aboard a defecting Russian submarine during the height of the Cold War is just plain bad ass.

1. St. Vitus’ Dance. Sonny Crockett’s sailboat home for the duration of the Miami Vice series. Of course, if you prefer to go a little faster, the Chris Craft Stinger-390 or the Scarab 38 KV that the Miami Vice used over the course of the series are pretty cool, too. And if you’re in the market for a special Don Johnson Signature Series Scarab Excel, it’ll only set you back $300,000. Not bad for a boat powered by twin Lamborghini V-12 engines.

1. Orca. In all reality, it was just a modified commercial fishing boat, and there wasn’t much of it left by the time the credits rolled, but in the end, the crew of the Orca killed the 40’ great white shark.

1. H.M.S. Bounty. This admittedly was a real ship, but the accounts of the mutiny aboard have certainly been fictionalized, or at the very least, exaggerated. C’mon, though, admit it. Everyone who has ever had a boss has had that moment where you would have liked to lead a mutiny and set him adrift.

1. The Hispaniola. If you’ve never dreamed of sailing to distant uncharted islands to recover buried treasure, then get the hell of the boat and leave the water to us dreamers. Do remember, though, that loose lips sink ships. And never, ever hire a cook with one leg. We don’t care what the Disability Act says. Wonder what the boat insurance looks like on a treasure expedition?

1. Tom Sawyer’s raft. What could be better than spending day after lazy day drifting down the river helping a runaway slave escape? Tom Sawyer couldn’t think of anything, which is why he didn’t bother to tell Old Tom that he had been set free until after the journey was over.

Photo via Global Jet

A Navy SEAL had rented a boat during his shore leave to do some fishing in the Southern United States. We could tell you where exactly, but then we’d have to kill you. Or he would kill us, which wouldn’t be pretty either, so we’ll leave the precise location classified.

Now this US Navy SEAL was a highly trained professional, afraid of nothing. Well, almost nothing. Turns out our tough sailor had a strong aversion to snakes. And since the area he was fishing in was known to be home to some pretty good sized water moccasins, he brought along a .357 revolver, just in case.

Any of us who have ever done any fishing in the South know that water moccasins hang out in the trees, so if you want to avoid them, your best bet is to stay away from the cypress trees. Unfortunately, bass, perch, crappie and assorted other game fish also like to hang out under the cypress trees.

To make a short story long, our fisherman SEAL got so immersed in his fishing that he forgot to keep an eye on the trees. After a short run of killing the bass under the cypress trees, a five foot water moccasin decided to join the party, just to make things interesting.

The snake landed in the boat just as our brave sailor was reeling in what he was sure was the biggest catch of the day. Thankfully, our fearless naval hero was not caught unarmed.

The marksmanship training provided him by the fine folks at US Naval Basic Training certainly paid off. He had six shots in his trusty .357, and all six of them hit the snake. Unfortunately, even big snakes are not very formidable when it comes to stopping bullets. As it turns out, their long muscular bodies really don’t even slow bullets down much.

Incidentally, small fishing boat hulls aren’t a whole lot better at stopping bullets than water moccasins are. Our hero lived to tell the story. The fishing boat, not so much. The funny thing is he’ll still tell you that a bad day on the water is better than a good day on land. We’re not positive, but we’re guessing if he’s still saying that, he probably had his boat insurance premiums paid up.

Photo via Hunter-Desportes

There’s something about being together in the relatively confined space that a boat offers, with the water surrounding you, which really brings a family together. Not only are there a lot of exciting and fun things you can do on the water, but you get a chance to really spend some time getting to know each other.

These days, families tend to fragment and go their separate ways, even when the children are young. There’s nothing wrong with everyone having their own interests and hobbies, but boating affords an opportunity to do something together, and that’s something you just can’t replace.

So, what kind of water fun is right for your family? Every family is different, and ultimately, that’s a question you’re going to have to answer for yourself. Here are some of the more popular family activities on a boat:

• Fishing. You don’t need a big boat, or a powerful one to have a blast reeling in whichever kind of fish inhabit your local waterways. Grab your tackle box and your kids and head out early to the marina to grab some bait and fisherman’s gossip. Make sure you find out where they’re biting and what they’re biting on. Then go out and have a great time.

• Water skiing. You need a little more boat for this, with a reasonably powerful engine and boat insurance. You also need some skis, of course. You should always have at least three people when you go water skiing: one to drive the boat, one to ski, and one to serve as a spotter, watching the skier and alerting the driver when he falls or has other issues. Teenagers in particular tend to love water skiing, though kids can be started much younger.

• Sailing. If you buy a sailboat, make sure you take some time to learn how to sail it before you get out on the water. It’s not as easy as it looks. That’s not to discourage you, it isn’t rocket science either, and it doesn’t take long to learn the basics, but you will want to make sure you have a basic understanding of how to handle the craft before you hoist the sail.

• Cruising. That’s right. Some families just like being on the water together. No activities, per se, no agenda. Just the boat, each other, and the water.

Photo via donjd2

Recently, our teenager was singing a little ditty about being on a boat. I didn’t catch all of the lyrics, but it said something about relaxing in swimming trunks and flip flops while some other poor sap (the one the song was addressed to) was back on shore making copies at Kinkos. The song was cute, until I looked up the lyrics to reference them in an article, at least. Fortunately, our boy had the good sense not to sing all of the actual lyrics in front of his parents. To make a long story short, “boat” wasn’t exactly the only four letter word in the song.

Now, knowing teenagers, I’m sure he’ll tell us that the foul language isn’t what he listens to the song for. And since we want to believe him, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to get a hold of his iPod. The idea is that we could replace “I’m On a Boat” with some other boat-themed songs more in keeping with the kind of language we’d like him listening to. So, when he wakes up and turns on his iPod, here’s what he’ll find:

• The Love Boat Theme Song. Sorry, as children of the ‘70s, we simply couldn’t resist.

• The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. We hope Gordon Lightfoot’s melancholy tune doesn’t turn him off or scare him away from boating, but you have to admit, this is one of the best songs ever written about a ship.

• Sailing. What a beautiful song! It really does take you away to where you’ve always dreamed you could be.

• The Downeaster Alexa. He actually claimed he likes Billy Joel once. Of course, that statement was when the CD was on in the car and was immediately followed for a request for money, so who knows.

• Sloop John B. Ok, so it’s not Snoop Dog, but who doesn’t like the Beach Boys?

• Rock the Boat. Hues Corporation. Word is that Aaliyah has a song out by the same name, but no sense confusing the boy. Don’t rock the boat, baby, it is.

• The Boat Insurance Song. No, we didn’t actually include this one. We haven’t written it yet. But if you’ve got a catchy hook, we’ve got the lyrics started…

We can’t wait to see his face in the morning. The only thing that could be better than waking up to all those great boating tunes would be waking up on a boat. We’re sure he’ll agree, don’t you think?

Photo via flashbacks.com

Of course, the most important thing, for her parents and boating enthusiasts in general, is that she is safe and sound back on terra firma. Circumnavigating the globe is no small feat, especially for a young person. Had she completed the journey, Abby would have been the youngest person in history (at age 16) to circumnavigate the globe by herself.

Sailing around the world isn’t exactly a new thing. It has represented a kind of Holy Grail of sailing since the time that sailors figured out that the world was round. Of course, back then, having boat insurance was likely the least of your worries. With no satellite radio to call for help, you were pretty much on your own once you were out of port. While Abby didn’t quite make it this time around, here are a few notable sailors who did:

1. Juan Sebastián Elcano. Most people aren’t familiar with this name, but he was actually the man in charge of the first expedition to successfully sail around the world, finishing in 1522. What? You thought it was Ferdinand Magellan? Well, that’s partly true. It was Magellan’s voyage, and his idea, but the good Captain died enroute, during a battle with natives in the Phillipines. Elcano led the 18 survivors back to port.

1. Jessica Watson. While there has been much hype about young Abby Sunderland’s attempt to break the record, it has almost been forgotten that another 16 year old, Jessica, recently set the world record for solo circumnavigating the globe.

1. Francis Joyon, a Frenchman, who holds the record for the fastest solo circumnavigation, completing the voyage in 57 days.

1. Joshua Slocum of Nova Scotia, who was the first person to sail around the world by himself, finishing the journey in 1898. He didn’t fare so well in later voyages, and was lost at sea in the Caribbean in 1908.

1. Bernard Moitessier, who took things up a notch in 1968-69 when he sailed around the world without stopping.

1. Harry Heckel, who became the oldest circumnavigator. He did take a few stops, but at 89 years old, who can blame him?

Photo via Norman B. Leventhal Map Center at the BPL

Of course, sometimes naming your boat takes a turn for the worse, and goes down something of a blue road. Here are some of the more dirty-sounding boat names we’ve come across over the years:

1. The Filthy Whore. This one, of course, reflects the “salty” nature of the sea. One particular variation we’ve come across includes the “Filthy Oar.” By far, this seems to be the most common dirty boat name out there.
2. Reel Hooker. No, this isn’t the name of a new reality show on Fox. This was a boat belonging to a fishing hobbyist.
3. Tits Up. We can only assume that the owner of this boat has had issues keeping the boat from capsizing.
4. Spreader Boots. We’re not really sure what this one has to do with boating at all, but we like it.
5. Hot Ruddered Bum. This one is only dirty if you assume that the owner of the boat is gainfully employed.
6. Four Play. We’re still not sure what the significance of “Four” is in this boat. Perhaps the owner has a “One Play,” “Two Play” and “Three Play” at home.
7. Slightly Crewed. This one is only a little bit dirty.
8. The Wet Dream. Some folks would go with “Dreamboat.” This particular boat owner decided to go a different direction with it.
9. Nauti-lust. As opposed to “nice lust.”
10. Ho-Ma-Way. Now stop that. Just because the word “ho” is in the title doesn’t mean this one is dirty. Read it out loud, you’ll see what we mean.

Photo via gerriet