You want to take a nice rafting trip?  You know what kind of boat you’ll be taking and you’ve heard about all the Class 4 rapids that you’ll be enjoying.

So you’ve recently packed your bag and are ready for a rafting trip through the Appalachians, you need to know what to do to have the very best boating trip possible.  You can go through your standard checklist all you like making sure that you have your trail mix, a fresh pair of socks to change into and your matches packed in a ziplock bag.

But what the hell can you do if you’ve wrecked your boat and are attacked my backwards mountain people hell bent on doing something very, very wrong with your “purdy mouth”?  Here’s a small list to help you become prepared for this very likely scenario.

1.  DON’T TAKE ANYONE WHO LOOKS ANYTHING AT ALL LIKE NED BEATTY WITH YOU

The first rule of Mountain Men kidnappers is “grab the slow chubby ones.”  Sad but true.   If you have anyone resembling Ned Beatty riding along with you he’s sure to be prime bait.  I would suggest that when you roll out, make sure that the guys in your wolfpack can all handle themselves.  Fit, fast and athletic guys are the only travel companions you should have for boat rides through the mountains.  If you find yourself saddled with a cousin, brother-in-law or friend of a friend who is doughy and slow get yourself prepared for the eventuality that he might get caught.  Resign yourself to the fact that if he does get caught you’re going to have to let him go.  Remember that Ronny Cox tried to help out Ned Beatty and look where that got him.  No amount of psychotherapy can erase those images.

2. DO NOT ENGAGE ANY LOCALS IN MUSICAL COMPETITIONS

I cannot overstate this rule enough and it doesn’t just apply to banjos either pal!  If you find yourself face to face with backwoods locals who are interested in your fancy ‘city-slicker’ novelties such as pants and shoes you should probably run.  If you can’t exercise that option, then you should probably just speak in monosyllabic words and try to avoid eye contact.  If you’re still unable to do these things and you find that some savant mountain boy has a musical instrument by his side, one that you play and play well, DO NOT engage him in a competition.  There is no, I repeat NO good that can come of this.  Whether you win or lose you will not earn his respect.  The only thing that you can do is draw attention to yourself and your party.  Word travels fast in these parts and you might put a target on your back compadre’.  And if you find ignoring this rule and you did have a musical duel understand that even if mountain boy smiles with glee he is seething internally.  To illustrate this, attempt to shake his hand in congratulatory admiration and watch what happens.

3. LEAVE YOUR L.L. BEAN APPAREL AND BMW AT HOME

Seriously this isn’t the suburbs, you’re not trying to keep up with the Jones’s here.  The less conspicuous you make yourself the better you’ll be.  Don’t trick yourself into thinking that you can pass for a local because you cannot.  The simple fact that you have a full set of teeth in your mouth and not stashed in a cigar box under the bed is a dead giveaway.  But you’re still better off trying to adhere to the “when in Rome” philosophy.  If you wear your Lobsterman’s Pride Cashmere sweater in Oatmeal color because you think it looks sporty, well then you’re just asking for trouble.  Rolling up in your 350i to the launch isn’t a good idea either.  Your best bet would be to try and go a few days (at least) without a shower and show up in a car that you got off of Craigslist for $150 and a pack of smokes.  You’re never going to fool the locals but you might just trick them into thinking that you’ve never paid $5.00 for a coffee.

4. BRING SOMEONE WHO REMINDS YOU OF 70’S ERA BURT REYNOLDS

Do you know someone who can kill and butcher his own deer?  You know, the guy that offers you “Venison Jerky” every Winter?  Yeah?  Bring THAT GUY with you for sure.  He’s not a luxury for such a boat trip, he’s a necessity.  If you think that because you’ve seen a bunch of UFC fights in your life that you’ll be able to handle yourself in a man on man combat situation then you’re sadly mistaken.  You need to have some guy who can not only pick off Mr. Woodsman with a bow and arrow from 25 yards out, but will do so without thought or reservation.  This is a must.  It’s like the old adage says “It’s better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it.”  Trust me when I tell you that you’re really going to wish that guy is with you when your own $75 Aligator skin belt has been used to affix you to a tree.  Also, when he sets up for his shot, don’t give away his position by making eye contact.  Just be sure to thank him later.

5. DON’T GO ON A RAFTING TRIP UNLESS YOU FOUND YOUR GUIDE ON TRAVELOCITY

Seriously buddy, what are you doing traveling down through the mountains on your own anyway?  You’re better off finding out about a nice guided trip in some non threatening part of the country from a well dressed upwardly mobile friend of yours.  If you want to take a nice risky vacation, try bungee jumping in Myrtle Beach.  Don’t tempt fate by traveling amongst the mountain folk without knowing what’s truly in-store for you.